MAD Mumblings

Mad Doctor · Last edited by Mad Doctor on Tue Feb 03, 2004 3:41 pm; edited 2 times in total

Donald "Duck" Edwing recalls his earliest Memories from a series of excerpts he sent me.
This is part 1 and 2 in a series of articles I will be posting leading up to my Interview with Duck to be announced this month.

Oh yeah, January is officially Duck Edwing month as we honor his birthday and his life story. Many surprises to come. Wish Duck a happy Birthday! Enjoy as we honor this great Artist/writer
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THE BIRTH
by Don Edwing

ONCE UPON A JERSEY CITY ON A COLD, WINTERY, JANUARY NIGHT, I TRAVELED HEAD FIRST THROUGH THE BIRTH CANAL, FIVE YEARS AFTER THE BIG DEPRESSION HAD PEOPLE DIVING HEADFIRST OUT OF SKYSCRAPER WINDOWS.
I WAS PRONOUNCED TO BE A MALE MAN CUB AND SLAPPED ON THE BUTT BY THE DELIVERING DOCTOR. TO THIS DAY, I STILL DO NOT BELIEVE WHAT MY MOTHER TOLD ME, SHE SAID I DIDN’T CRY LIKE OTHER BABIES…I QUACKED INSTEAD.

THE WORLD I JUST ARRIVED INTO WAS ALL BLACK AND WHITE, VOID OF ANY COLOR, JUST TINTED WITH VARIOUS TONES OF GRAY. THIS PHENOMENON IS QUITE EVIDENT FOR YOU NON BELIEVERS BY LOOKING AT ALL THE PHOTOGRAPHS TAKEN WAY BACK THEN…OR BY VIEWING ALL THE MOVIES SHOT BACK IN THE MID THIRTIES, THEY ALL WERE BLACK AND WHITE. THE CITIES GLOWED TONES OF GRAY AND THE STREETS WERE EVEN TARRED BLACK. COLOR DID NOT EXIST YET… IT WASN’T INVENTED!

AT THE TIME OF MY BIRTH, I DID NOT KNOW THAT THE
“ GOLDEN AGE “ WAS STARTING TO FORM. IT’S MY GUESS, THAT I LOST ALL MY EMBROYTIC MEMORIES WHEN THEY SEVERED MY EMBILLICAL CORD, WHICH OF COURSE, WAS MY SOURCE OF FOOD AND OXYGEN FOR NINE MONTHS. I NEVER FORGAVE THEM FOR DOING THAT, NOW I HAD TO START FROM SQUARE ONE ALL OVER AGAIN. I BEGAN TO THINK, “ WHAT KIND OF PLACE IS THIS JERSEY CITY ANYHOW? “

MY MOTHER’S ANCESTRY WAS IRISH AND French Canadian. HER BIRTH NAME WAS HELEN LORETTA CONWAY. SHE WAS UNBELIEVABLY BEAUTIFUL, FULL OF IRISH MOXEY AND HAD THIS FLAIR FOR DANCING, LAUGHING AND ENJOYING LIFE AS IT’S DEALT OUT. SHE CAME FROM A FAMILY OF NINE CHILDREN, OF WHICH SHE WAS THE SECOND YOUNGEST.
WHEN HER PARENTS PASSED AWAY, NUNS RAISED HER AND HER YOUNGER SISTER IN AN ORPHANAGE, ONLY TO BE RESCUED BY THEIR OLDER SIBLINGS UNTIL THEY WERE IN THEIR OLDER TEENS.

MY FATHER WAS PART GERMAN AND ENGLISH. EDWING HAS Its NAME ORIGIN IN MERRY OLD ENGLAND. HIS MOTHER WAS A TALL, GERMAN WOMEN WHOSE OWN MOTHER LIVED WITH HER FOR A SHORT WHILE WHO ONLY SPOKE GERMAN.

MY FATHER NEVER SPOKE OF HIS PARENTS, NOR RELAYED ANY INFORMATION BEYOND HIS BIRTH TO HIS CHILDREN. IN FACT, MY FATHER HARDLY EVER SPOKE TO HIS CHILDREN, HE HELD THAT EVENT ONLY IN FITS OF ANGER OR WHEN HE WENT TO THE CORNER BAR TO BE WITH HIS FRIENDS. HIS BIRTH NAME WAS FREDERICK WILLIAM EDWING. HE WAS SELF-EMPLOYED AS A REFRIGERATION/AIR CONDITION MECHANIC.
WHENEVER MY FATHER’S FRIENDS CAME TO THE HOUSE TO VISIT, THEY WERE IN PERPETUAL LAUGHING JAGS. IT SEEMS THAT MY IRONCLAD OLD MAN WAS A DOCTOR JEKYLL/ MR HYDE TYPE.
A RIP ROARING COMEDIAN OUTSIDE AND A SILENT BRICK WALL INSIDE THE HOUSE. WE LIVED WITH MR. HYDE, WHILE HIS FRIENDS HAD A BALL WITH DOCTOR JEKYLL! I OFTEN WONDERED WHY HE WASN'T AS HAPPY IN OUR HOUSE AS I WAS. I OFTEN WISH HE WOULD TELL ME A JOKE, BECAUSE I LOOOVE TO LAUGH, MYSELF.

THERE WERE FOUR CHILDREN, TWO MALES AND TWO FEMALES, AND WE ALL HAD DIFFERENT COLORED HAIR!
EVERYTIME WE WERE ALL SEEN TOGETHER WITH OUR GORGEOUS MOTHER, PEOPLE’S FIRST COMMENT WAS, “ ARE ALL THESE CHILDREN YOURS, HELEN…?” AND SHE QUICKLY RETORTED,
“ YES, AND EACH ONE OF THEM LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE THEIR FATHER.”
(1) FRED, MY OLDER BROTHER HAD CHALK BLONDE HAIR. HE WAS SLENDER BUILT AND RESEMBLED A YOUTHFUL GARY COOPER. MY MOTHER ENTERED HIS PHOTO IN A “ BEAUTIFUL CHILD CONTEST.”

(2) DONALD, THAT’S ME, HAD FLAMING RED HAIR, A THICK TRUNK OF A TORSO AND RESEMBLED A CROSS-BETWEEN HOWDY DOODY AND HUCKLEBERRY FINN.

(3) MARILYN, MY FIRST SISTER, HAD RAVEN BLACK HAIR AND STEELE BLUE EYES. SHE RESEMBLED AVA GARDNER AS A CHILD.

(4) HELEN, THE BABY TO US OTHER SIBLINGS, HAD A DIRTY BLONDE HAIR COLOR, AND HUGE BABY BLUE EYES SURROUNDED BY EYELASHES THAT COULD DUST THE FURNITURE EVERYTIME SHE BLINKED. SHE RESEMBLED A YOUTHFUL ALICE FAYE.

I WAS ALWAYS TEASED WHEN ALL OF US APPEARED TOGETHER
AT SOME FUNCTION. PEOPLE WOULD ALWAYS ASK ME, “ WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM, ALL YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS ARE SO GOOD LOOKING…?”

- January 2003-

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CONFESSIONS OF A MADMAN
by Don "Duck Edwing"

I CONFESS THAT BEING BORN INTO THE ERA OF “ THE DAWN OF THE GOLDEN AGE “, WAS A LUCKY EVENT FOR ME.

I CONFESS THAT IF I HAD A CHOICE OF WHEN TO BE BORN, IT COULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED AT A BETTER TIME!

I CONFESS THAT BEING CONCEIVED ON PURPOSE, SO I WOULD BE BORN AT A CERTAIN TIME, TOOK A LARGE EFFORT ON MY BEHALF.

I CONFESS I KNEW THAT IF I WASN’T BORN INTO, “ THE GOLDEN AGE “, I MAY NEVER HAVE ANOTHER SHOT. MY EMBRYOTIC MEMORY RECALLS THAT THERE WERE 5 BILLION OR SO OTHER SPERM CELLS ALL WARMING UP FOR THE BIG EVENT OF RACING BLINDLY TOWARDS THE GLOBAL LIKE, FEMALE EGG, THAT WAS SUSPENDED LIKE A GIANT PLANET INSIDE MY MOTHER.

I CONFESS THAT WHEN THE OTHER SPERM CELLS ASKED ME FOR DIRECTIONS, I LIED, AND TOLD THEM TO MAKE A LEFT TURN AT THE EXIT SIGN.

I CONFESS THAT I’M VERY HAPPY TO BE HERE…AND THAT I WON THE RACE!

Give a shout out to Duck! Lets make him feel like a welcomed member of our site and that we do appreciate all his contributions to Mad over the last 40 years!

webcrawler · Posted: Sun Jan 04, 2004 1:15 am Post subject:

Happy upcoming Birthday Duck, Great excerpts!

Laugh At Your Pain · Posted: Sun Jan 04, 2004 7:14 am Post subject:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU AND YOU QUACKER FRIENDS!

C.J.D. · MAD Subscriber Joined: 29 Jul 2003 Posts: 113

Happy Birthday, Mr. Edwing!!!

DFPyne7 · Posted: Sun Jan 04, 2004 12:58 pm Post subject:

Happy Birthday, Mr. Edwing. Now let me sing s song,

monroerules · Posted: Sun Jan 04, 2004 1:01 pm Post subject:

Have a Great Birthday Mr. Edwing.

jpquinn · Posted: Sun Jan 04, 2004 5:24 pm Post subject:

DFPyne7 · Posted: Sun Jan 04, 2004 5:30 pm Post subject:

Hamsterguy · Posted: Sun Jan 04, 2004 9:37 pm Post subject:

Happy B-Day Mr.Edwing?Was he born on the 17th?That's the same day as Andy Kaufman!

wavygravy · Posted: Fri Jan 09, 2004 10:07 am Post subject:

What day is is birthday exactly? If I missed it HAPPY BIRTHDAY Mr. Edwing! If it is coming up maybe I can send you a e-card? This is really cool you are paying tribute to this man.

Phreaky Phish (The Nat) · Posted: Fri Jan 09, 2004 3:34 pm Post subject:

Happy Birthday, Oh Great One.
Sadly, I'll be missing a lot of the things posted from here on in, as I am going on holidays for over 2 weeks.

On a lighter note, I hope Donald "Duck" Edwing has a great (how many?)th birthday, and the best of luck with the upcoming year. Please, dont stop with the cartoons.

Flight From Ashiya · Posted: Sun Jan 11, 2004 1:38 pm Post subject:

Let's all Bake a Cake for Duck Edwing.
I'll get the Mad-Mumblings MasterChef : 'Monseur.Fiddley-'Ands' onto it.

Marilyn Ohngemach · Clod Joined: 13 Jan 2004 Posts: 19

Laugh At Your Pain · Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2004 2:24 pm Post subject:

http://home.ripway.com/2003-12/48738/mredwing.swf

DUCK EDWING · Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2004 5:12 pm Post subject:

I can't believe the response for my birthday! my sister even wrote in. ( Her alias is AVA)
King Kong even had Marilyn Monroe singing to me via a recording, cleverly dubbed " EDWING" at the right moment.
Thank you everyone. As revenge I'll draw some sick cartoons to post on mumblings.